I Decided to Write this in English

I not only understand, but also accept this undeniable fact: the English me is different from Chinese me, and it is better.

No, it is not better in the sense of vocabulary. Chinese is still my mother tongue, still the most comfortable language I speak and write with. A lot of times I cannot find the word in English, but now there are plenty of times I cannot find the word in Chinese when I talk or write. The languages are just borken for me, either one of them. I don’t know if this makes sense or not: the difference is deep down, way down below the surface of grammar and the vocabulary.

I never assumed English would become such a thing for me, definitely not when I decided to go to college in the States. Nonetheless, I have to say it is inevitable. If I live in the States for 10 years, how can I stick with Chinsese as much as I do compare to living in Shanghai or anywhere in China? I committed to live here, so I commited to use English for my college and work, for my everyday life and for the therapy, for anyone that cannot use Chinese. I believe I understand that 10 years ago when I came here, but I didn’t understand to the extent that I understand it now. I didn’t understand the language will change my thoughts and my personality; I didn’t understand it will shape my life into a different thing.

For sure, it is unavoidable to take therapy sessions in English in the States. Did I get a chance to use Chinese in the therapy in the past 7 or 8 years? Yes. Did I ever consider the option? Never.

The English me is only 10 years old. It is younger yet more mature. A lot of things is fixable for the English me because it is not associated with the place I grew up or the experience I had in China. I talked about those in English; but it felt more like I was talking about someone else. It is more objective, less emotional, and if I qoute my therapists, my thoughts towards my past experience is “thoughtful” or “insightful”. Do I agree? Yes. However, I know that the way I describe them are not genuinely thoughtful, it became thoughtful when I start to construct the things in English. I had to rehearse what I want to say in pure English so that the scenario can be understood in English, and I had to add correct amount of context and explanation to make it sensible. It’s a hard process, and it has to be “thoughtful”.

When I volunteered at the Crisis Textline, I was very jealous of the native speakers that they can talk about themselves that easily. They don’t have to provide any context, like the teenagers would throw me some abbreviations and never had to explain until I asked. Too natural. I was imagining if I went to a Chinese therapist, do I get the same privilege to talk in my native language with out explanations? My answer was no. I thought of my friend go back to China after college graduation and figured out we could not have deep talks easily if we only met once in several years, no matter how good we were.

I am more than lucky to have therapists that respect my cultural background. However, it is not enough to be respectful. While I am looking for people to build up meaningful connections, I have to admit therapists are not good canddiates. They are supportive, but they will go away at some point. There will be someone across the displays for me if I want to have one, but not always the same one. So what’s the point to have a therapist who speaks Chinese? To better understand the Chinese part of me? Are they able to?

There are too many missing pieces in my life that my mother tougue can no longer cover. It is easy to be described as cultural gap or any of those meaningless words, but deep down inside I don’t feel it’s “cultural”. It is personal. I am not saying no one share the same thoughts or feelings or experiences, but we should agree this is a unqiue journey for each one of us. Some of us decide to become more American and some of us decided to stay more Chinese. There are no right or wrong here. At the end of the day it’s a choice, like a choice that guided me here, it’s also a choice I tend to perserve the Chinese part of myself. It’s also a choice I turned Chinese into something that not too familiar and a choice that I write this thing in English.

I was talking with one of the psychology instructor in the community college. I told her my English is not as good as native speakers, but she said to me that she can see concepts in my short essays, and the important thing is the concept not the vocabulary.

Now I start to wonder, can I effectively convey the same ideas or concepts in Chinese?

I realized it is not possible to do that. I learned a lot about Chinese, maybe too much. I know exactly what I can say and what I cannot – I am not talking about the vocabulary or grammar. I’d like to classify my Chinese language skill as learnt helplessness. I know how to construct the words into sentences, but I just don’t know how to turn them into voice.

That is a big problem.

I read throuh what I wrote and decide this is such a chaotic blog. However, it is still fine. It’s now the time that no one reads blogs and I will let this one just sit here.